Blighted Ovum: My Miscarriage Story

I WAS PREGNANT, but only for a little while. My baby stopped developing after five weeks, and my ultrasound revealed an empty sac.

Just a couple of weeks after my birthday, I received the best gift ever- a missed period and two bright red lines on the test stick. Lyubo and I were over the moon! We've been trying to conceive for 12 cycles so this pregnancy is truly a much-awaited one.

I was scheduled to go to my OB the following week for a routine check-up, but after finding out about my condition, the doctor ordered a series of blood tests to monitor my hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) levels. She was expecting for the numbers to double in two to three days but mine only doubled after a week. She then predicted that there would be a problem.

Anxious but hopeful, we went for an ultrasound two weeks later. As I lay on my back facing the poker-faced sonographer while she probed my retroverted uterus, excitement came over me. This is it! We're going to see the little peanut. I was imagining how I'd look with a baby bump, but the sonographer's voice interrupted my reverie, "I can't see anything."

They said that maybe our calculations were wrong and that I was not that far along yet. We were asked to go for another ultrasound. Days went by filled with worry. Except for the bloating and minor cramping, I was feeling good; no pain and spotting at all. A part of me was hoping that our calculations were indeed wrong and that the embryo would be visible on the second ultrasound, but another part of me has begun grieving.

The second ultrasound showed that nothing had changed except for an 8-mm growth of my gestational sac. No baby still. I was gutted. This was supposed to be a birthday gift from God and yet it was snatched from me before I had the opportunity to enjoy it. I felt God betrayed me, big time.

Slowly, the pregnancy symptoms started to go away. I woke up one day and my breasts were no longer sore. The cramping also subsided and my flatulence were not as frequent anymore. It was as if my body was telling me that it's time to move on.

My OB asked us to go to the Women's Health Centre for our "next steps". The nurse told us that there were increasing early pregnancy issues and women like me didn't know where to go so they set up this clinic to help address those issues. I was shocked to learn that my case is relatively common in North America.

This time, instead of a technician, two doctors performed the ultrasound. One was operating the machine while the other analysed and explained what the monochrome images meant. After several weeks my gestational sac changed shape, and as the younger doctor probed deeper, they saw what appeared to be remnants of a blastocyst. The senior doctor explained that the fertilized egg stopped developing probably because of some chromosomal abnormality or due to a random error during the cell-division process. My body recognized this abnormality so it stopped the pregnancy at an early stage.
 

Now that we have a definite conclusion to my case, I was given three options for miscarriage treatments. I'd initially wanted to just wait for the tissue to pass naturally, but after consultations with different doctors, Lyubo and I decided that a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) would be best for my body.

A week later, we were in the same clinic and being prepared for my major uterine invasion. I was heavily drugged but conscious when the doctor performed the procedure. I felt the pressure of my cramping pelvis but I was floating in the clouds so it didn't bother me so much. It lasted for less than five minutes. Before I knew it, I was being clothed by the nurse. She then measured my blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen level. She smiled at me and said, "You did great!" My husband kissed me and said, "You're a hero."

I don't consider myself a hero. I know a lot of women out there have experienced far greater suffering, loss, and calamity than I have. But during this whole ordeal, I learned that I'm stronger than I think I am, and that the real heroes are my nurse, Adium (BC Women's Hospital) and my husband.

She was very attentive, compassionate, and caring. From giving food and medicines, to answering our repetitive questions; from putting a hot compress to my retaliating abdomen, to helping me get dressed in winter clothes, every act of her service is sincere and voluntary.

Oh and what can I say about my better half?! He is truly heaven-sent. When I was questioning God, he reminded me that His will always prevails. After each disappointing ultrasound, he bought my favourite treats to cheer me up. While on the D&C chair with legs wide open, I felt his hand gently stroking my cheeks which gave me a lot of comfort. He gave me feminine pads whenever I needed to change. I felt God's (kilig-inducing) love through my husband!

As I shed the protective cavity that my body had built for my lost baby, I marvel at its healing ability and thank the Lord for what was lost and what was gained. I've experienced pain but I've also experienced grace and favour. Pocketed within those moments of our grief and doubting are peace in the present and hope for the future- pretty much what Christmas is all about. 🎄






 

Romans 1 Paraphrase

 As we start our BSF study on Romans, I was inspired to write a poem...
 
When ocean waves crash onto shore
When wildlife thrive in holes and burrows
When autumn leaves start to fall
We know there is God

When the sun rises each day that comes
When life-giving air fills our lungs
When our eyes see beauty in millions of pixels
When we taste snowflakes with our tongues
We know there is God

When spring rains make flowers bloom
When a bride marries her groom
When an embryo forms in a mother's womb
We know there is God

When man makes castles from stones
When the sky paints stars and rainbows
When tomorrow is always untold
We know there is God 🌈

When darkness turns to light
When grace replaces guilt
When love covers sin
When faith quenches wrath
We know there is God.     


Postscript by cousin Aileen Dujon:
 
When a neighbor greets you with a smile
When a stranger helps you from afar
When good men stand up against injustice and war
We know there is God

And even if all these fail to exist
And hope is all there is
We know there is God

The Paradox of Salt

I have always underestimated the value of salt to people. Perhaps because it is so ordinary and normal. Salt is ubiquitous yet oftentimes invisible. It is a vital component to almost all industries and compounds, but it never gets emphasized nor is given credit as a standalone ingredient. You wouldn't say that a dish is delicious because it is salty. In fact on its own, salt can't be too useful.

Salt needs to be rubbed into raw meat to tenderize it. It needs to be poured on thick snow to melt the dangerous ice. It needs to be sprinkled on a dish to make it more palatable. Salt needs to be added in water to clean and detoxify. Unlike a diamond that sparkles and is valuable on its own, salt is most useful when it becomes inconspicuous. Salt is best seen when it is not seen.

This mineral, the only rock that we eat, the thing that's in the ocean and in our tears, is used by Jesus to describe Christians. I am reminded that like the humble salt, we must influence and be useful to others without drawing attention to ourselves.

Two properties of salt that we must emulate:
1. Consistency and Immutability - Nowadays we don't treat loyalty as an admirable trait. Society prefers intelligence and skillfulness over faithfulness. But if we are to be like salt, we don't need to be perfect and multitalented; we just need to show up. No matter what.

2. Solubility - As seawater becomes salty because of the dissolved salt, so must the people around us be influenced positively because of the way we live.

from tv.heavenlycall.com

Three practical ways to live as salt, seen yet unseen:
1. Live a palatable life. 
Are you adding value to the world/community through your ability to bring blessing?

2. Bring peace.
Do you easily lose your cool or do you pursue peaceful conversations?

3. Live to purify. 
Do you work to restore families and bring healing to relationships?

There are more than 14,000 uses of salt. Which ones will we choose to be?

The Church is Where I Always Get Offended

Photo by creattica.com

  Coming to Singapore alone for work could be pretty tough. So one of the first things I did a few years back was look for a church. I've seen and experienced the importance of having a spiritual family back in my church in Manila, and my being away from home had made me want to belong in one all the more.

Finding good friends in church is one of the best things that happened to me here. They have been a great help (still are) and a source of strength and encouragement in all aspects of my life. I consider myself so blessed to be surrounded by faithful people who love and serve God with their all.

But it's been ironic and kind of disenchanting to realize that an organization of people with the same values and faith, one that is supposed to model unity and reflect harmony to the rest of the community could be the same group of people who have the power to hurt you the most. Sad to say but I've often been a recipient of what I'd like to think unintentional offenses by people who I dearly love and look up to. Bashes of hurtful words were sometimes thrown at one another with a nonchalant air as if they were harmless ideas just for the sake of "speaking our minds". I can accept open rebuke of blatant sins against the ten commandments, but when judgments are easily made against certain actions that are not necessarily wrong in themselves sans the motives that are wrapped in them, I believe that being legalistic isn't going to be the right way to freedom. There were times when I would find myself crying out to God feeling condemned, misunderstood and heartbroken.

At first, I had thought that maybe I was setting a "different" standard for people in the church and for those who have yet to believe. I told myself that perhaps the reason why we are not very patient with one another is because having been saved by the blood of Christ, we are now expecting our actions towards one another to be beyond reproach. I also blamed myself for being so sensitive and for not being gracious enough. I tried to research more about this concern and it turned out that I'm not the only one. The world wide web is replete with articles and blogs about being offended by people in the Church. There are even books that talk about it.

If I can't be myself in the church, warts and all, be accepted and receive the same kind of grace that Jesus extended to the Samaritan woman, then where else can I be accepted?

Please don't misunderstand me now, my dear readers. I love my church so much. I think it's the coolest church in all Singapore. I'm not giving up on it and its people. After all, I'm very much a part of it just as a toenail is a part of the entire human body. And if I really want to be like Christ, who being spotless and blameless, loved the Church and gave up His life for her (Ephesians 5:25), I must do the same. But I'm also learning that this kind of love is not about showing grace and kindness to people who dress well, who think like I do, who are rich in material things, who help you in times of trouble, who say the right things, who have memorized the Bible from cover to cover, who are reeking of 'holy' fragrance.

I like what John Mark MacMillan said about God's love -

"...not a pretty, clean, it's not a Hollywood, hot-pink love. It's a kind of love that's willing to love things that are messy and willing to love even the difficult and sort of kinda gross kind of things..."

I hope I can love like that. I  hope all of us in Church can love like that. (Philippians 4:13)

In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, love.   - St. Augustine


P.S. To you whom I have offended (or if you've been offended by the Church), please accept my sincere apologies. I hope you'll see through the mess of me, of us, of the church and right into the beauty of the Cross, where the Author of Love was crucified so all of us may be deserving of God's pure, authentic and healing love.