Blighted Ovum: My Miscarriage Story

I WAS PREGNANT, but only for a little while. My baby stopped developing after five weeks, and my ultrasound revealed an empty sac.

Just a couple of weeks after my birthday, I received the best gift ever- a missed period and two bright red lines on the test stick. Lyubo and I were over the moon! We've been trying to conceive for 12 cycles so this pregnancy is truly a much-awaited one.

I was scheduled to go to my OB the following week for a routine check-up, but after finding out about my condition, the doctor ordered a series of blood tests to monitor my hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) levels. She was expecting for the numbers to double in two to three days but mine only doubled after a week. She then predicted that there would be a problem.

Anxious but hopeful, we went for an ultrasound two weeks later. As I lay on my back facing the poker-faced sonographer while she probed my retroverted uterus, excitement came over me. This is it! We're going to see the little peanut. I was imagining how I'd look with a baby bump, but the sonographer's voice interrupted my reverie, "I can't see anything."

They said that maybe our calculations were wrong and that I was not that far along yet. We were asked to go for another ultrasound. Days went by filled with worry. Except for the bloating and minor cramping, I was feeling good; no pain and spotting at all. A part of me was hoping that our calculations were indeed wrong and that the embryo would be visible on the second ultrasound, but another part of me has begun grieving.

The second ultrasound showed that nothing had changed except for an 8-mm growth of my gestational sac. No baby still. I was gutted. This was supposed to be a birthday gift from God and yet it was snatched from me before I had the opportunity to enjoy it. I felt God betrayed me, big time.

Slowly, the pregnancy symptoms started to go away. I woke up one day and my breasts were no longer sore. The cramping also subsided and my flatulence were not as frequent anymore. It was as if my body was telling me that it's time to move on.

My OB asked us to go to the Women's Health Centre for our "next steps". The nurse told us that there were increasing early pregnancy issues and women like me didn't know where to go so they set up this clinic to help address those issues. I was shocked to learn that my case is relatively common in North America.

This time, instead of a technician, two doctors performed the ultrasound. One was operating the machine while the other analysed and explained what the monochrome images meant. After several weeks my gestational sac changed shape, and as the younger doctor probed deeper, they saw what appeared to be remnants of a blastocyst. The senior doctor explained that the fertilized egg stopped developing probably because of some chromosomal abnormality or due to a random error during the cell-division process. My body recognized this abnormality so it stopped the pregnancy at an early stage.
 

Now that we have a definite conclusion to my case, I was given three options for miscarriage treatments. I'd initially wanted to just wait for the tissue to pass naturally, but after consultations with different doctors, Lyubo and I decided that a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) would be best for my body.

A week later, we were in the same clinic and being prepared for my major uterine invasion. I was heavily drugged but conscious when the doctor performed the procedure. I felt the pressure of my cramping pelvis but I was floating in the clouds so it didn't bother me so much. It lasted for less than five minutes. Before I knew it, I was being clothed by the nurse. She then measured my blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen level. She smiled at me and said, "You did great!" My husband kissed me and said, "You're a hero."

I don't consider myself a hero. I know a lot of women out there have experienced far greater suffering, loss, and calamity than I have. But during this whole ordeal, I learned that I'm stronger than I think I am, and that the real heroes are my nurse, Adium (BC Women's Hospital) and my husband.

She was very attentive, compassionate, and caring. From giving food and medicines, to answering our repetitive questions; from putting a hot compress to my retaliating abdomen, to helping me get dressed in winter clothes, every act of her service is sincere and voluntary.

Oh and what can I say about my better half?! He is truly heaven-sent. When I was questioning God, he reminded me that His will always prevails. After each disappointing ultrasound, he bought my favourite treats to cheer me up. While on the D&C chair with legs wide open, I felt his hand gently stroking my cheeks which gave me a lot of comfort. He gave me feminine pads whenever I needed to change. I felt God's (kilig-inducing) love through my husband!

As I shed the protective cavity that my body had built for my lost baby, I marvel at its healing ability and thank the Lord for what was lost and what was gained. I've experienced pain but I've also experienced grace and favour. Pocketed within those moments of our grief and doubting are peace in the present and hope for the future- pretty much what Christmas is all about. 🎄






 

Before the world ends. . .

 

thechristmasexpress.tumblr.com



KNOW an important truth that I've learned. A creation entails a Creator. The creation won't have any knowledge about its Creator unless the Creator reaches out and presents Himself to the creation.

Every day we are witnesses to this presentation-- the shining sun, the changing clouds, the chirping birds, the ability to breathe and live another day.

Yet this was not enough for a creation living in constant oblivion. From the creation's perspective, a Creator won’t have the ability to empathize with His creation unless He became part of the creation Himself.

And that's what He did. 

From the cradle to the grave, He went through what you and I went through and about to go through. He knows and He understands. He is no longer a passive God. He has become a friend.

Give Him your heart today. I bet you my bottom dollar that He won't give it away the very next day ;-)

From my heart to yours - a blessed Christmas and may your New Year be filled with laughter, love, and grace.

My Creative Christmas Gifts

Earlier this month, I promised myself not to be caught up in the mad rush of holiday gift-buying. I'm starting to find all these commercialism and profit-making attitude surrounding Christmas to be really unnecessary, not to mention detrimental to our savings accounts. In addition, this gift-giving tradition built around this season tends to make people expectant of something that shouldn't be mandatory, but which now appears to be. On top of these, I've observed that Christmas gift manufacturers deprive people of the ability to exercise creativity in their giving. Every shop I go to, I see toys, toiletries, chocolates, and basically all kinds of commodity that are already part of our weekly grocery list - only wrapped in cute boxes and colorful packaging ready to be given away. Maybe I'm missing it, but what is so cool about them?  (Note: To those who have given me those kinds of gifts, thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate it. But more than them, I cherish our friendships more. I'm not complaining. Please read on and you'll understand me.)

Unfortunately for me, I've already been suckered into buying a few of those re-packaged goods before I came to this realization : p. Good thing I came across this article published online by Girlfriends in God encouraging women to think about giving meaningful and creative gifts from the heart. So I thought about it and challenged myself to be different this time. If you know me personally, you'd know that one thing I truly value is friendship/relationship. It's true and obvious that giving gifts is one way to cultivate friendships but lately I realize that the gifts I've been giving people won't stand a long time in their drawer, much more so in their memories.

It's so easy to pick any item in a department store to give as a gift, but what's been a struggle for me is to give a part of my time away. Nobody should mess up with my "me-times". They're valuable and should not be wasted away with interactions outside of my comfort zones. But then again, if I remain that way, I would be depriving myself of a great investment, a lot of brainwork, and most of all a bunch of good times!

So my dear friends who are reading this, be prepared to receive something different from me this year.
Drum roll please...

These are coupons that would entail the holder to enjoy the activity printed on the card. =) I have friends who are working moms and I know the babysit voucher would be a great help.

What about you? How will you be creative with your Christmas gifts?

Home Alone on Christmas Eve!

This is my first time to spend Christmas away from my family. Since moving in here in Singapore, I've been doing quite a lot of things on my own, but I occasionally fly back home for special events- holidays, weddings, and the like, but this time I couldn't afford it and I didn't want to. Surprisingly, I don't feel sad at all. In fact, I feel contentment, joy and blessings overflowing in my life. God is just amazing; He has always been.

A month ago, I lost my job. I didn't even think that I would have a very merry Christmas. Back then, everything didn't matter so long as I found a job to cover the next month's rent. But now, God has placed me in a company of generous, cheerful, pleasant, and lovely co-workers! They gave me gifts and encouragement as if I were working with them for a long time. I could have been hired by the other companies I previously applied to, but God has other plans and He indeeed has a reason for everything. After all, He does all things well :)

Right now, I'm watching Love Actually (for the 3rd time I think). It is one of my favorite feel-good holiday movies. I'm waiting for my housemates to arrive from work so we can all feast together. But I'm savoring this wondrous feeling that is a blessing in itself- solitude. The rain has just stopped and I can sense the dampness of the chilly air blowing from my window. The grey clouds are still and the sun is beginning to light up the horizon though not as harsh as on a sunny day.

Allow me to bask in all this- the quiet holiday break, piles of dark chocolates from friends, a good book on my bedside table, the pleasantly cold weather, sunlight from my windowpane, singlehood and independence, and the opportunities to celebrate the ongoing works of Jesus in my life.